Smorgasbord

As I sit here at my computer, listening to "Polka on the Banjo," happy with my lunch of chicken masaman curry with rice, I can't help but think about a few things that have crossed my mind over the last couple of weeks. Random things that caught my attention and soon became the subjects of my daydreams. So that's really the theme for this post. Random thoughts, no real thread tying them together other than, well, their randomness and the fact that I thought about them. You haven't. Yet.

1. Burping is one of those things you never knew you needed to do.
I mean, somtimes you get gassy and need to let out some gas through one hole or the other, but that's not what im talking about. Often enough you just burp without warning or expectation (out loud or discretely) and suddenly the world becomes a happier place. You feel better. You smile to yourself. You high-five the stranger next to you.

2. Talk show hosts say a bunch of nonsense to their guests during ad breaks.
The next time you watch Conan or Letterman or whoever, notice what they do right after the announce the first ad break after their first guest comes on. They always seem to lean towards their guest and smile and say something like "Thank you" or whatever before talking about some other nonsense. I think it's all a load of bull. They've met them backstage. They've thanked them for coming on their shows. I think they're just playing a little game that we've all played when we were younger (and still play now) where there are three people and you whisper some sort of nonsense into one person's ear and pretend like it's the most imporant thing in the world to make the third feel left out and laugh about it without letting the other person know. That is the game that Conan and Letterman play. I have uncovered their secret. They make me feel left out.

3. I am easily fooled by lab coats.
Store people at Kiehl's wear lab coats. And coax me into buying expensive nonsense that I then don't necessarily use. All because they seem like they know what they're doing, even if they're just reading what's written behind the product. I have failed in my attempt at being an intelligent consumer.

4. Why are cartoons becoming more and more realistic?
Do they want to be called sit-coms?

5. My shuttle driver is a wise man
The other day he tried to convince me that the two smartest people in the history of mankind were the two chaps that invented GPS and the rice cooker. I like my shuttle driver.

6. Using hand sanitizer after you pee is pointless
Hand sanitizer kills germs. Urine is virtually sterile. What are you achieving here? I mean, come on now...

The Greatest Thing Since...

...sliced bread? That's the standard expression isn't it? "OMG this is like soooo awesomeee, it's like, the greatest thing since sliced bread!" No. No thanks.

What might first come across as a stern critique of sentence construction in generation whateveryouwanttocallit, is actually more than just that. I won't go into the details of how peeps these days use stupid filler words like, "like," because I definitely do as well. Rather, this is an attack on the greatness of sliced bread. Didn't see that one coming, did you? DID YOU???

I mean, ok, sliced bread is good and convenient and whatnot but is it really that great? I mean, think about it...you could just cut a baguette in half and make a sandwich and it would probably taste better. As for toast, well you can toast any sort of bread and it'll taste good. Sliced bread is good and convenient and I'm a fan, but does its greatness deserve the reverence that is showered upon it? I think not.

These, on the other hand, are quite marvelous and are rather under-rated and are greater than sliced bread:

1. Automatic faucets
Not only do these save water, money and the environment, but they are also quite convenient for (closet) germophobes like me. There is no touching of the faucet involved. No touching. Who knows where people's fingers have been right before they try turning on a tap. An automtic faucet means you don't have to use a paper towel to open the tap, thereby saving trees along with water.

2. Cooking
Fire doesn't get the respect it deserves. Cooking is never given the credit she deserves (yes, she's feminine). Can you imagine eating raw chicken or pork? I can't, because I can't imagine dying. Also, Going back to the bread thing, there wouldn't even be bread without cooking, let alone sliced bread (maybe in the olden days, before the invention of sliced bread, people said, "OMG this is the greatest thing since baking." Unclear.).

3. Shoes
Walking bare foot is one of the ways I feel like I'm home and can relax but at the same time I wouldn't want to walk around the streets with no shoes. The concept of putting a layer of padding between your foot and the ground is ingenious. Whoever thought of it deserves a prize. Maybe making 2008-2009 the return of the gladiator sandal is our way of showing the shoe inventor that we still love him.

Peaceful Coexistence

First of all, I must apologize for the delay between postings. Life has been a little crazy for a number of reasons and I will do my best to change that. It's now 5:30am and I am posting because I cannot sleep and am awake for no good reason. Finally I have a spot of time that's pretty stress free.

The news for the last few weeks has been dominated by what's been happening in Iran and how the protests show serious cracks in the system, similar to those that were seen in 1979 which eventually made Pahlavi flee the country in 1979. Whether or not this truly means that Iran will become more democratic is up for debate - some say it's a matter of when rather than if but at the same time you have the dragooning that might prove to be a significant obstacle. Whether or not Khamenei and Mousavi can peacefully coexist remains to be seen, but that is not what this blog post is all about, believe it or not.


All this talk of peaceful coexistence made me think about instances of the same that I have seen/observed. Now while these aren't necessarily as significant as what I just mentioned above, they aren't trivial either. So here's a list that shows that peaceful coexistence is possible:

1. DBGB and Dogmatic

Few could have ever seen this coming...Two places that pride themselves upon their ability to make amazing sausage. One calls themselves a Gourmet Sausage System while the master behind the other boldly proclaims to have loved sausage ever since he was born. How can they both survive? They're both special in their own way. DBGB's Viennoise is countered by Dogmatic's Turkey with Truffle Gruyere. The former's baba au rhum for dessert faces stiff competition from the latter's drool-inducing vanilla ice-cream. The list goes on. And hopefully, so will these two. For a long time.

2. Leno (now Conan) and Letterman

When Leno stepped down, it ended a pretty bitter rivalry that Letterman and he shared. Although the ratings always favoured Leno, Letterman did have his moments of magic like this. And now, that rivalry will continue...what Letterman loses with Paul Shaffer, Conan gains with Max Weinberg. What Conan loses with having Jimmy Fallon following him, Letterman gains with having a vastly improved Craig Ferguson.

3. Button-fly vs. Zip-fly jeans

Is there a tougher choice to be made in this world? Little did Gideon Sundback know that by essentially inventing the modern zipper he would be adding massive amounts of stress to shoppers around the world, for generations to come, piling on questions with no good answer...Should I choose comfort over fit? Should I choose urinating convenience over potentially peeing in my pants? Should I remove chances of embarassing myself by forgetting to unzip my pants or risk the chance of losing a button and having it all hang out? Questions, questions, questions...

4. The roof-top bar and the bar with outdoor seating

Oh summertime (it's one word now). Besides being an acute skew in the ratio of exposed skin to covered skin, summertime also gives rise to another phenomenon - outdoor drinking. And most outdoor drinking experiences can be categorized into rooftop or outdoor/patio. Fortunately for us all, the city has an abundance of both as well as more than enough people to fill them both. Rooftop bars easily trounce their counterparts with their view, the bars with patios have some killer people-watching potential. The one clear advantage that rooftop bars have is the ability to spit on the people below. One could argue that this could be by spitting at people as they walk by below too, but I would advise against that.

The way Indians look at a photograph...

So here's an interesting photograph that was all over the tabloids that I never read. Ever.

Now while the kind folks at wherever were nice enough to blow up the faces of Rihanna and Chris Brown and talk about what a big deal it was for them to be a few feet away from each other, every Indian that looks at this picture will focus something (or rather, someone) else.

Two seats to Rihanna's right lies the focus of mine and every Indian's attention. Ladies and gentleman, behold the Sardarji. Don't miss the matching turban.

He talks to me, teaches me, and is kind to me.

It seems like this chap above has taken it upon himself to make his presence known to me in the bathroom. I have no control over this, it just seems to happen. The latest of these episodes occurred last Sunday at Norma's in the city which, just by the way, might have the best orange juice I have ever tasted. The brunch in general is fantastic too, but that's a different matter altogether.

First, some background:

(Some of the details might seem arbitrary and/or unnecessary, but it will all fall into place at the end)

1. Wardrobe: Shirt with shorts and belt. Shorts had button fly. Belt was a military-style fabric belt.

2. Ipod scenario: I have a 160gb Ipod (sadly they don't make them that big any more). My case of choice is the one made by Contour Design. Have had the case ever since I bought the Ipod. Bought the Ipod a couple of years ago. Case is well scratched up. Case-replacement has been needed for a few months now. Case-replacement has been put off due to laziness.

3. Bladder scenario: I pee a lot

4. Location: Norma's and Norma's bathroom

5. Beverage intake: Water and OJ. Bottomless.

So anyway, here's what happened. Multiple glasses of water and juice were consumed. Excretory system functioned at top speed. Bladder filled up rather quickly. Brain received message. Limbs responded. Bathroom was reached.

This is where the problems began.

I had my Ipod hitched to my belt, and had button-fly shorts, which meant I had to undo the belt. My need to pee greatly dampened my presence of mind. The Ipod was left untouched. The laws of gravity cranked into gear. The Ipod fell to the ground. I stared in horror. I continued peeing. I finished peeing. I then freaked out a little, and didn’t know what to do.

How did He talk to me?
Men can’t really aim so the ground beneath a urinal always has a nice little cocktail of urine from a variety of sources. Having the Ipod fall down to the ground was his way of telling me to get a new cover NOW.

How did he teach me?
He basically taught me not to procrastinate excessively. He showed me that a stitch in time could indeed have saved nine, or could have kept the pee away from the Ipod. You know what I mean.

How was he kind to me?
Firstly, He made sure the Ipod did not fall down face first into the pee (the scroll-wheel on the front is the only part that is exposed). Secondly, He gave me the wisdom to choose this particular cover which is easy to remove. I gathered a whole bunch of tissues, picked up the Ipod, took it out of its cover, dropped the cover into the trash can and saved the Ipod, never letting the pee-pee touch my fingers or the Ipod.

I have since bought a new case that is identical to that lost one.