Bird of Prey...Flying High

Travelling is fun, transportation is not. That is the conclusion that I arrived at after having spent over 20 hours of my life in air-related transport over the last three days. And the sad part is, all those hours didn't involve me crossing an ocean or going to a new continent. Hell, it didn't even result in my leaving this country. Getting to a destination is fun but the means aren't always so - kind of like a suppository, which leaves you happy and relieved via a not-so-fun process.

So this weekend, as I spent many a moment wishing I could cry like the babies that always seem to surround the middle seats that are always assigned to me, I also did some thinking. My trusty phone (not a crackberry or a iphone, but a simple little candybar phone) in flight mode was perfect for jotting down my thoughts (it's the modern day Moleskine, Mr. Hemingway).

Here's a list of things that I find myself doing when I'm involved with the air-complex (train to the airport, monorail to the terminal, actually flying etc.).

1. Drinking Ginger Ale and/or Bloody Mary Mix
I never order these anywhere else, but nothing tastes better 30,000 feet in the sky. What's strange is that I also find a ton of people ordering these drinks on planes , but almost never see anyone getting one at a restaurant or a bar or even at somebody's home. I don't ever have these stocked in my fridge but as soon as I see that drink cart coming down the aisle, I start drooling and having a mental battle over which of the two I want to get.

2. Eating crumbs from the bottom of an empty bag of mini pretzels
Overly generous domestic airlines in the US have reduced me to this. After having being told to choose one when I asked for BOTH a bag of mini pretzels and a single granola bar (I can be greedy sometimes), I found that the taste of pretzels is inversely proportional to the number of pretzels left in the bag. The last pretzel tastes better than the first and the last crumb is the bestest morsel of food ever. So much for the law of diminishing returns...pssshhh

3. Going from having hyper-music-ADD to listening to complete songs for long periods of time
Anyone that has had the honour and privilege of spending extended periods of time with me in a car will tell you that I have music-ADD. I can't listen to more than 2-3 minutes of a song before wanting to listening to the next one. Flying does strange things to me - I either want to listen to the next song after 20 seconds of the current one or I'll let the ipod play whole songs for a while. I don't know what it is. Some say pressurized cabins are merely chambers filled with happy gas while others say that low pressure makes people like the smell of fart. I like both theories although I don't believe in the latter...I only test its accuracy on fellow travellers.

4. Listening to announcements
I never listen to announcements otherwise, but for some reason I find myself listening to the announcements that they make on planes for a number of reasons. First, I try to see if I can actually see the person making the security announcements (I think to myself...if I can't see them, is that grounds for suing?). Secondly, I listen for flying time to see if the plant is going to beat the arrival estimate printed on my boarding pass or not (if the flight is delayed I just add the delay time to the scheduled arrival time). Third, I have nothing better to do.

5. Running on to the tarmac to wave to the pilot to open the doors and let me in
True story. Don't believe me? Just ask the passengers who gave me dirty looks throughout the journey (initially for delaying the flight and then for testing my flatulence theory mentioned in #3 above)