Things that work has taught me

So as my birthday month comes to a close, I can confidently say that it has involved a fair share of reflection, thought and contemplation. I now know the meaning of life, the origin of sausage, the national fruit of the planet formerly known as Pluto, and the reason behind the ubiquitous "peace sign" in every Asian photograph. I also had to go into work on a Sunday where I tried to be productive and list out the important things that work has taught me:

1. Dessert gives a meal closure:
Maybe it's the not-so-great cafeteria, or maybe it's my love for all things sweet, but no meal at work is satisfactory without some for of dessert. Now for those of you that think I spend my post-lunch time stuffing my face twinkies or eating copious amounts of apple pie, check yourself. That only happens on Tuesdays. Wednesdays too, on occasion. Sadly, I make do with watermelon flavoured chewing-gum (thank you, Orbit Mist) or overly sweetened coffee on most days.

2. A hoagie/hero/sub/whatever you want to call it costs as much as a wrap but fills you up more:
I've watched a few people watch in amazement as I ask the sandwich lady for a hero rather than the usual wrap or roll that most people ask for. They stand back and invariably order the same when their turn comes along. They feel the need to try what the cool chap in front of them just ordered. And for good reason too. The bread tastes better and it fills you up more. Win-win situation? Oh yes.

3. A smuggled cafeteria meatball tastes fantastic:
What's that about the forbidden fruit being the sweetest? Oh yeah, it's true.

4. Small talk and silence are both bloody awkward at a urinal:
For some reason there is nothing non-awkward about peeing next to a co-worker. No matter how well you know him, it's just awkward. Should you make small talk? Should you be silent? It doesn't matter because it'll be awkward. Awkward. Awkward. Awkward.

5. A desk job ensures that you become super fast at using the num-pad on a keyboard without making any mistakes:
Well, anyone can use it super fast without looking but the not making any mistakes part is what distinguishes the people with lives from the people that work at a desk.

6. Realisation that few things are as satisfying as dropping a deuce at work:
Why? Well, why not? I've gone into detail about this before, but for those that missed that post - You're relieving yourself. You're getting paid to relieve yourself. You can walk back to your desk with a smile on your face. You feel that much lighter. You've heard the guy in the stall next to you trying to be discreet while you let one rip. There really aren't too many things that compare.

Pre-Birthday Reflections

So I turn a year older tomorrow. I'll be special for one day. Until my next birthday. Maybe I'll get presents (hint: I want presents). But turning older makes me wiser in theory and I feel like I must reflect and contemplate the mystery that is life. For this edition of sususamba, I shall go through some of the conventions that our jaded society has engrained in our heads for no good reason and has thus made our lives so much more complicated. It would be easier if humans remembered the little joys of life and did not get caught up in the unnecessary trials and tribulations that do anything but enrich that interval between birth and death.

Conventions that I will reverse when I rule the world:

1. Ironed clothes
An office-going bachelor's worst enemy is the wrinkled shirt/pair of trousers. Why can't I just walk into work with a wrinkled up shirt without having people think I just walked in after a long night out?

2. A lack of/well-groomed facial hair
One of the thinks I look forward to most on weekends is the freedom to not shave. It takes too much time and is too much of a hassle.

3. Farting in the absence of others
Ok, this one might be debatable because of the smell aspect, but few things are as liberating as letting one rip in a place full of people. Think I'm weird? The next time you're at a loud, crowded bar or club, try it. You won't have to feel conscious because nobody will hear it and anyone could be the dealer of the stench. But you will know. And you will smile. I have smiled many times before. Many times.

4. Breakfast food only being eaten in the morning
I salute restaurants that serve breakfast all day. I frown upon people that have told me it's weird to eat a good omelette at night.

5. Paying for things you buy
Ok, this might be hard because of a little thing called economics but when I rule the world economics won't matter. Shopping will be free. And I will be pleased.

6. Having your schedule determine the time you wake up
This would be reversed. Sleep is good. If you disagree, tell me so when we meet next and I will slap you.

Also, interestingly, as I read over what I just wrote, I see that the subjects I speak about are: work, eating/drinking, toilet, sleep, shopping. These are pretty much the main focuses of my life right now. Happy birthday to me.

Call him what you want, but he's up there...

So I don't know how much I believe in religion but I definitely there's someone up there doing things, making things, breaking things, and what have you. I was reminded of his/her existence today at work. Call that person God or whatever else you'd like to, I'm pretty sure that this being exists in some form or the other. How was I reminded of this, you ask? Well clearly that being didn't endow you with the virtue of patience. But anyway, here's the story...

Few things in life are as satisfying as taking a dump at work. Oh I said it. Feign disgust if you may, but I know all of you reading this that have worked in an office feel the same way. Here's why dropping the pressure at work is so awesome:

1. You get paid for relieving yourself
2. You can break scoring records on games on your cellphone
3. You can catch up on reading
4. You can escape work for a few minutes
5. You can have some "you" time
6. You can observe the toilet habits of your co-workers
7. You can play a guessing game with yourself trying to figure out the identity of the defecator in the next stall

But I digress...this post was supposed to be about how I was reminded of the existence of the chap up there. So today I felt the urge to drop a deuce and made my way to the poo-poo-house. I was happy to find it empty and proceeded to wipe down the seat and double-line it with toilet paper before I sat down to do my business. I started playing a game on my phone and was content with life when suddenly, the phone slipped out of my hand, hit the floor, and slid about 4 feet to my right, before finally settling in the stall next to mine. This was the first reminder of the chap's existence - I was the only one in the bathroom at the time. But clearly that could change any second.

Sort-of-related sidenote: Can you imagine the conversation if the stall next to mine had been occupied?
Me - Err, hello there dear Co-worker That Is Taking A Dump
CTITAD - Um, hi. Thank you for interrupting me. I was this close to creating a new high score...
Me - Any time. Umm, could you please hand me my phone so that I may try to do the same? Thanks!

I naturally did what anyone in my place would do. I panicked, I hyperventilated, I quickly did my bit to ensure demand for Georgia-Pacific, all the while hoping that nobody else would enter my little kingdom. Luckily, nobody did (Reminder #2).

I smiled to myself, picked up my mobile communication device, put it in my pocket, and went to wash my hands. I couldn't stop smiling. He was up there and he was smiling down on me.

Nein. Nahin. Non. No.

Here's a list of things you cannot have:

1. Multiple "Best Friends"
Errr best = better than ALL the rest = better than anyone = singular. Tina Turner knew. You should too.

2. A "Most Unique" anything
Redundant. Sick and tired of seeing reviews of restaurants/places/cities/whatever that describe it as being the "most unique" whatever.

3. A good cover of a classic song
It's a classic. Leave it alone. Appreciate it for what it is. And don't try to imitate it. You will fail.

4. A chap that looks good with jeans and a denim jacket
Top or bottom. Choose one. Never both. Never both.

5. Too much free time
Such a thing just doesn't exist. Boredom? Yes, that's a possibility. But too much free time? Nein.

6. Music of a genre "that all sounds the same"
Do us all a favour and keep comments like this to yourself. For example, saying that electronic music all sounds the same is pure ignorance and shows your lack of an ability to discern.

7. A lack of an appetite or a desire to eat because 'it's an odd time'
Eat when you're hungry. I don't care what the clock says. Your stomach knows what time it is. And your stomach will tell you. Smart thing, this stomach of yours.

8. Too many birthday presents
Not possible. If you want to test out the theory, buy me a crap load of birthday presents and see if it makes me mad. Try it. Please.