Things that work has taught me

So as my birthday month comes to a close, I can confidently say that it has involved a fair share of reflection, thought and contemplation. I now know the meaning of life, the origin of sausage, the national fruit of the planet formerly known as Pluto, and the reason behind the ubiquitous "peace sign" in every Asian photograph. I also had to go into work on a Sunday where I tried to be productive and list out the important things that work has taught me:

1. Dessert gives a meal closure:
Maybe it's the not-so-great cafeteria, or maybe it's my love for all things sweet, but no meal at work is satisfactory without some for of dessert. Now for those of you that think I spend my post-lunch time stuffing my face twinkies or eating copious amounts of apple pie, check yourself. That only happens on Tuesdays. Wednesdays too, on occasion. Sadly, I make do with watermelon flavoured chewing-gum (thank you, Orbit Mist) or overly sweetened coffee on most days.

2. A hoagie/hero/sub/whatever you want to call it costs as much as a wrap but fills you up more:
I've watched a few people watch in amazement as I ask the sandwich lady for a hero rather than the usual wrap or roll that most people ask for. They stand back and invariably order the same when their turn comes along. They feel the need to try what the cool chap in front of them just ordered. And for good reason too. The bread tastes better and it fills you up more. Win-win situation? Oh yes.

3. A smuggled cafeteria meatball tastes fantastic:
What's that about the forbidden fruit being the sweetest? Oh yeah, it's true.

4. Small talk and silence are both bloody awkward at a urinal:
For some reason there is nothing non-awkward about peeing next to a co-worker. No matter how well you know him, it's just awkward. Should you make small talk? Should you be silent? It doesn't matter because it'll be awkward. Awkward. Awkward. Awkward.

5. A desk job ensures that you become super fast at using the num-pad on a keyboard without making any mistakes:
Well, anyone can use it super fast without looking but the not making any mistakes part is what distinguishes the people with lives from the people that work at a desk.

6. Realisation that few things are as satisfying as dropping a deuce at work:
Why? Well, why not? I've gone into detail about this before, but for those that missed that post - You're relieving yourself. You're getting paid to relieve yourself. You can walk back to your desk with a smile on your face. You feel that much lighter. You've heard the guy in the stall next to you trying to be discreet while you let one rip. There really aren't too many things that compare.